Last time I talked about the problems with Generation I, all I managed to get through was the typing chart. I GUESS I promised to talk about the Pokemon next, but fuck that noise; we have more things to discuss. Before we can even talk about how DUMB Gen I Pokemon are, we have to talk about how DUMB Gen I moves are.
Let's start again with our old friend, Psychic. How do Psychic people attack each other? I dunno, maybe they use... PSYCHIC? Yes, we couldn't figure out a good name for the move, so we just decided to NAME IT AFTER THE GODDAMN TYPE. What if Earthquake had been named Ground? THAT'D BE PRETTY FUCKING DUMB MY FRIEND. OH SHIT HE USED NORMAL ON ME. GOD, you guys. And the rest of Psychic's moves are equally stupid. Psywave. PsyBEAM (OH GOD BEAMS). Fucking CONFUSION is the best named Psychic move there is. CONFUSION. That's not exactly a GOOD name, but at least it isn't fucking PSYCHIC. And don't even get me started on Kinesis. What does that EVEN MEAN?
Let's discuss BEAMS for a second. One in perticular: ICE BEAM. What. The fuck. Is an ICE BEAM? Yeah, it sounds totes normal to those of us who grew up with it, but WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNN? A beam of ice? More like a horizontal pillar of ice. Or maybe a freeze ray? Not that that ACTUALLY makes any more sense, but if they had called it Freeze Ray I'd have a lot less to complain about. To be fair, Blizzard is an acceptable name for a move and Aurora Beam is pretty FUCKING BADASS.
But seriously, it's like when they didn't really know what they wanted to do with a move, they were just all, "LET'S MAKE IT A BEAM OK". I mean BUBBLEBEAM? IT'S A BEAM OF BUBBLES! See that just makes me think of the Powerpuff Girls. Which were awesome by the way. And the most kickass move from Gen I that everyone knows? Hyper Beam. Just take a second here and try to imagine that you had never heard of Pokemon and think it over to yourself. AND THEN REALIZE HOW FUCKING STUPID THIS NAME IS SERIOUSLY OH MY GOD. It's made even worse by the fact that it's physical until Gen IV. The size of my muscles has everything to do with how well I can shoot a BIGASS LASER BEAM OUT OF MY MOUTH.
One more thing that I think is worth mentioning is Dragon Rage. You set up Dragon as a type. A whole type with a position on the type-effectiveness chart and everything. I mean you even give it a designation as a special type rather than physical. AND THEN YOU GIVE IT ONE MOVE THAT ONLY DEALS SET DAMAGE. Christ you guys, you couldn't even give it an original name? We already have Rage; did we really need a kind specific to Dragons? That doesn't even let you use the type? God DAMN.
There are a number of other moves with stupid names too, notably Swords Dance, Surf, Fly, Tail Whip, Swift and Amnesia (how does that have anything to do with this move). I'm sure you can find your own, now that your mind has been opened to it. IT'S LIKE A GAME WOOOOO. There are a ton of options here.
And of course there's still the POKEMON to talk about. Oh GOD do we ever need to talk about them. Especially because they're the thing everyone complains most about from future generations. Or maybe I'll never get to them, JUST TO SPITE YOU. Ya never know.
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