SIMPLE BEAM

So I know I told you guys I was gonna talk more about Gen I today, but I decided instead that FFFFFFUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU.  You can have this in its place.

Among the many new tools introduced in Generation V is the move Simple Beam.  This move changes the ability of the target to Simple.  AWESOME.  Although this move UNFORTUNATELY doesn't work on the ability Truant (sorry Slaking), it still has some AWESOME support abilities in doubles.  The full list of Pokemon who can learn this move is: Audino, Beheeyem, Genesect, Linoone, Delcatty, and Smeargle.  Obviously, only a few of these are actually decent support options.  Let's look at the most viable two.

Audino [Healer] @ Sitrus Berry / Leftovers
Bold
252 HP, 88 Def, 168 SpD
-Heal Pulse
-Simple Beam
-Heal Bell
-Helping Hand / Wish

Audino is one of the best Simple Beamers there is.  103/86/86 defenses are certainly not bad, and your support movepool is AMAZING.  Heal Pulse and Heal Bell keep your partner completely healthy while Helping Hand can be used to support attacks.  Wish is an option as Heal Pulse cannot target the user which is BULLSHIT by the way.  Sitrus Berry is actually a better choice than Leftovers as long as you don't intend to stick around for more than four turns, which honestly, you might not.  After all, you're just there to support a setup, then stand by while your partner sweeps.  You don't REALLY need to be there at that point.  If you go with Wish over Helping Hand though, Lefties is the best.  EVs give the best overall bulk.

Beheeyem @ Leftovers / Sitrus Berry / Lum Berry
Calm
252 HP, 240 Def, 16 SpD
-Simple Beam
-Psych Up
-Psyshock
-Shadow Ball / Skill Swap

The other good Simple Beam option is Beheeyem, the My Name Sounds Like A Retarded Kid Dying Pokemon.  75/75/95 defenses and a pure Psychic typing make you a lot worse off defensively than Audino, but that's ok.  Beheeyem plays much differently, making use of that 125 special attack.  What Beheeyem brings to the table here is Psych Up.  Just think - your Simple Beamer spends a bunch of time just buffing up, only to have Beheeyem Psych Up the stats, giving you two monsters on your side of the field.  Now, I'm not sure if Psyching Up a Simple Pokemon copies its actual stat boosts or its Simple ones, but even if it isn't as good as it SHOULD be, Beheeyem has access to Skill Swap.  So there's that.  And while we're on the subject of abilites, Beheeyem has some great ones.  Synchronize is pretty damn good for support, while Telepathy lets Earthquake with NO FEAR.  The Dream World ability Analytic gives it an attacking boost pretty much guaranteed with its 40 base speed.  They're all pretty good.  And STAB Psyshock + Shadow Ball gives pretty decent coverage once you're all set up.  The EVs are for a purely defensive Beheeyem.  If you want to pack more PAWNCH, you might consider running Modest with 252 HP, 4 Def, 252 SpA.

Now we all know of the obvious abusers of this move right off the bat - Salamence, Curselax, Regigigas, Volcarona - but what about the more interesting ones?  Specifically, I'm thinking about the ones that break evasion clause because FUCK not being an asshole.  If I'm gonna play in an environment without clauses (I'm looking at you, PBR), I'm gonna be the BIGGEST DOUCHETOOL I POSSIBLY CAN BE.

Drifblim [Unburden] @ Chesto Berry
Impish
12 HP, 252 Def, 244 SpD
-Stockpile
-Minimize
-Rest
-Acrobatics

So.  Douchehole maneuver number one: MINIMIZE.  Actually, douchehole maneuver number EVERYTHING is Minimize.  Now that it raises evasion by two stages instead of one, Minimize on a Simple Pokemon is the most broken fucked up thing ever.  And that's why it's here.  Drifblim Stockpiles up (three turns to max defenses) while pulling off at least one Minimize.  Resto gives it instant healing AND lets it attack with a fully powered-up Acrobatics.  I swear, Acrobatics Drifblim has like unlimited potential for different sets.  Unburden is the best ability just in case you don't get off a Simple Beam in time.  Then you can still try to be a little speedy.  Seriously?  DICK.  BUTT.  That's what this set would make you.  AND WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT THAT.

Blissey [Serene Grace] @ Leftovers / Lum Berry
Bold
252 HP, 252 Def, 4 SpD
-Minimize
-Softboiled
-Charge Beam
-Ice Beam

This might be the most fun Blissey EVER.  +4 evasion in one turn, instant healing and Blissey's natural bulk make this a total BITCH to take down.  Which leaves you room to have some fun with the remaining moveslots.  CHARGE BEAM TIME.  +2 special attack every time the chance activates - statistically the same as just having Serene Grace, I know, but WHAT EVEN EVER BECAUSE YOU ALSO GET MINIMIZE.  MAX SPATK AND EVASION BLISSEY FOR LIFE.  Everyone will hate you and you KNOW that's a good thing.

Blissey [Natural Cure] @ Leftovers / Lum Berry
Bold
252 HP, 252 Def, 4 SpD
-Minimize
-Defense Curl
-Softboiled
-Seismic Toss / Toxic

Ok ok so MAYBE running an offensive Blissey isn't the best.  Though it's pretty damn entertaining.  But look.  Defense Curl gives you a +2 boost now, which is going to make you pretty much impossible to take down barring critical hits.  FUCK critical hits, am I right?  I'm right.  Anyway, I would normally just say Seismic Toss over Toxic for sure because Taunt, but you need a Gen III move tutor for that.  And that sounds harrrrrd.  So maybe you should just go with Toxic.  Lazy-ass.

Starmie @ Leftovers / Lum Berry
Calm
252 HP, 160 Def, 96 SpD
-Cosmic Power
-Minimize
-Scald
-Recover / Ice Beam

Yeahhhhh Starmie.  You thought it was just an offensive threat didn't you?  MAN, Starmie will stall.  Your.  Shit.  BACKWARDS.  Especially with Cosmic Power and Minimize stacked with Simple.  What are you even going to DO about that?  Scald makes this thing even bulkier.  Daaaaaayum son, you just got BURNED!  Recover or Ice Beam honestly is a choice that is up to whether or not you have Heal Pulse support, as Water on its own is not really enough coverage, but some recovery is also reallllly appreciated.

Clefable @ Leftovers / Lum Berry
Careful
252 HP, 200 Def, 56 SpD
-Cosmic Power
-Moonlight
-Minimize
-Return / Toxic

Dude.  I fuckin' love Clefable.  Do you love Clefable?  Because you should.  Yeah ok, technically Blissey can probably do this set better.  But I don't even care, because Clefable is adorable.  If there was a Clefable right here, I'd squeeze it so hard that its internal organs ruptured and it died in the hospital several hours later after unsuccessful surgery.  THAT'S HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE THIS THING.  I SHOW MY LOVE WITH DISTRUCTION.  DEAL WITH IT.

So yeah, Simple Beam has some pretty sweet legitimate uses in competitive doubles.  It also has some COMPLETE TOOLBAG options too in the form of Minimize abuse.  If you ever decide to be the total asswipe that YOU KNOW YOU SECRETLY ARE INSIDE, give these strategies a try.  And on a final note, FUCK YOUR CRITICAL HITS I'LL FUCK YOUR MOTHER.