WHY GEN I WAS STUPID (part two)

Last time I talked about the problems with Generation I, all I managed to get through was the typing chart.  I GUESS I promised to talk about the Pokemon next, but fuck that noise; we have more things to discuss.  Before we can even talk about how DUMB Gen I Pokemon are, we have to talk about how DUMB Gen I moves are.

Let's start again with our old friend, Psychic.  How do Psychic people attack each other?  I dunno, maybe they use... PSYCHIC?  Yes, we couldn't figure out a good name for the move, so we just decided to NAME IT AFTER THE GODDAMN TYPE.  What if Earthquake had been named Ground?  THAT'D BE PRETTY FUCKING DUMB MY FRIEND.  OH SHIT HE USED NORMAL ON ME.  GOD, you guys. And the rest of Psychic's moves are equally stupid.  Psywave.  PsyBEAM (OH GOD BEAMS).  Fucking CONFUSION is the best named Psychic move there is.  CONFUSION.  That's not exactly a GOOD name, but at least it isn't fucking PSYCHIC.  And don't even get me started on Kinesis.  What does that EVEN MEAN?

Let's discuss BEAMS for a second.  One in perticular: ICE BEAM.  What.  The fuck.  Is an ICE BEAM?  Yeah, it sounds totes normal to those of us who grew up with it, but WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNN?  A beam of ice?  More like a horizontal pillar of ice.  Or maybe a freeze ray?  Not that that ACTUALLY makes any more sense, but if they had called it Freeze Ray I'd have a lot less to complain about.  To be fair, Blizzard is an acceptable name for a move and Aurora Beam is pretty FUCKING BADASS.

But seriously, it's like when they didn't really know what they wanted to do with a move, they were just all, "LET'S MAKE IT A BEAM OK".  I mean BUBBLEBEAM?  IT'S A BEAM OF BUBBLES!  See that just makes me think of the Powerpuff Girls.  Which were awesome by the way.  And the most kickass move from Gen I that everyone knows?  Hyper Beam.  Just take a second here and try to imagine that you had never heard of Pokemon and think it over to yourself.  AND THEN REALIZE HOW FUCKING STUPID THIS NAME IS SERIOUSLY OH MY GOD.  It's made even worse by the fact that it's physical until Gen IV.  The size of my muscles has everything to do with how well I can shoot a BIGASS LASER BEAM OUT OF MY MOUTH.

One more thing that I think is worth mentioning is Dragon Rage.  You set up Dragon as a type.  A whole type with a position on the type-effectiveness chart and everything.  I mean you even give it a designation as a special type rather than physical.  AND THEN YOU GIVE IT ONE MOVE THAT ONLY DEALS SET DAMAGE.  Christ you guys, you couldn't even give it an original name?  We already have Rage; did we really need a kind specific to Dragons?  That doesn't even let you use the type?  God DAMN.

There are a number of other moves with stupid names too, notably Swords Dance, Surf, Fly, Tail Whip, Swift and Amnesia (how does that have anything to do with this move).  I'm sure you can find your own, now that your mind has been opened to it.  IT'S LIKE A GAME WOOOOO.  There are a ton of options here.

And of course there's still the POKEMON to talk about.  Oh GOD do we ever need to talk about them.  Especially because they're the thing everyone complains most about from future generations.  Or maybe I'll never get to them, JUST TO SPITE YOU.  Ya never know.

SIMPLE BEAM

So I know I told you guys I was gonna talk more about Gen I today, but I decided instead that FFFFFFUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU.  You can have this in its place.

Among the many new tools introduced in Generation V is the move Simple Beam.  This move changes the ability of the target to Simple.  AWESOME.  Although this move UNFORTUNATELY doesn't work on the ability Truant (sorry Slaking), it still has some AWESOME support abilities in doubles.  The full list of Pokemon who can learn this move is: Audino, Beheeyem, Genesect, Linoone, Delcatty, and Smeargle.  Obviously, only a few of these are actually decent support options.  Let's look at the most viable two.

Audino [Healer] @ Sitrus Berry / Leftovers
Bold
252 HP, 88 Def, 168 SpD
-Heal Pulse
-Simple Beam
-Heal Bell
-Helping Hand / Wish

Audino is one of the best Simple Beamers there is.  103/86/86 defenses are certainly not bad, and your support movepool is AMAZING.  Heal Pulse and Heal Bell keep your partner completely healthy while Helping Hand can be used to support attacks.  Wish is an option as Heal Pulse cannot target the user which is BULLSHIT by the way.  Sitrus Berry is actually a better choice than Leftovers as long as you don't intend to stick around for more than four turns, which honestly, you might not.  After all, you're just there to support a setup, then stand by while your partner sweeps.  You don't REALLY need to be there at that point.  If you go with Wish over Helping Hand though, Lefties is the best.  EVs give the best overall bulk.

Beheeyem @ Leftovers / Sitrus Berry / Lum Berry
Calm
252 HP, 240 Def, 16 SpD
-Simple Beam
-Psych Up
-Psyshock
-Shadow Ball / Skill Swap

The other good Simple Beam option is Beheeyem, the My Name Sounds Like A Retarded Kid Dying Pokemon.  75/75/95 defenses and a pure Psychic typing make you a lot worse off defensively than Audino, but that's ok.  Beheeyem plays much differently, making use of that 125 special attack.  What Beheeyem brings to the table here is Psych Up.  Just think - your Simple Beamer spends a bunch of time just buffing up, only to have Beheeyem Psych Up the stats, giving you two monsters on your side of the field.  Now, I'm not sure if Psyching Up a Simple Pokemon copies its actual stat boosts or its Simple ones, but even if it isn't as good as it SHOULD be, Beheeyem has access to Skill Swap.  So there's that.  And while we're on the subject of abilites, Beheeyem has some great ones.  Synchronize is pretty damn good for support, while Telepathy lets Earthquake with NO FEAR.  The Dream World ability Analytic gives it an attacking boost pretty much guaranteed with its 40 base speed.  They're all pretty good.  And STAB Psyshock + Shadow Ball gives pretty decent coverage once you're all set up.  The EVs are for a purely defensive Beheeyem.  If you want to pack more PAWNCH, you might consider running Modest with 252 HP, 4 Def, 252 SpA.

Now we all know of the obvious abusers of this move right off the bat - Salamence, Curselax, Regigigas, Volcarona - but what about the more interesting ones?  Specifically, I'm thinking about the ones that break evasion clause because FUCK not being an asshole.  If I'm gonna play in an environment without clauses (I'm looking at you, PBR), I'm gonna be the BIGGEST DOUCHETOOL I POSSIBLY CAN BE.

Drifblim [Unburden] @ Chesto Berry
Impish
12 HP, 252 Def, 244 SpD
-Stockpile
-Minimize
-Rest
-Acrobatics

So.  Douchehole maneuver number one: MINIMIZE.  Actually, douchehole maneuver number EVERYTHING is Minimize.  Now that it raises evasion by two stages instead of one, Minimize on a Simple Pokemon is the most broken fucked up thing ever.  And that's why it's here.  Drifblim Stockpiles up (three turns to max defenses) while pulling off at least one Minimize.  Resto gives it instant healing AND lets it attack with a fully powered-up Acrobatics.  I swear, Acrobatics Drifblim has like unlimited potential for different sets.  Unburden is the best ability just in case you don't get off a Simple Beam in time.  Then you can still try to be a little speedy.  Seriously?  DICK.  BUTT.  That's what this set would make you.  AND WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT THAT.

Blissey [Serene Grace] @ Leftovers / Lum Berry
Bold
252 HP, 252 Def, 4 SpD
-Minimize
-Softboiled
-Charge Beam
-Ice Beam

This might be the most fun Blissey EVER.  +4 evasion in one turn, instant healing and Blissey's natural bulk make this a total BITCH to take down.  Which leaves you room to have some fun with the remaining moveslots.  CHARGE BEAM TIME.  +2 special attack every time the chance activates - statistically the same as just having Serene Grace, I know, but WHAT EVEN EVER BECAUSE YOU ALSO GET MINIMIZE.  MAX SPATK AND EVASION BLISSEY FOR LIFE.  Everyone will hate you and you KNOW that's a good thing.

Blissey [Natural Cure] @ Leftovers / Lum Berry
Bold
252 HP, 252 Def, 4 SpD
-Minimize
-Defense Curl
-Softboiled
-Seismic Toss / Toxic

Ok ok so MAYBE running an offensive Blissey isn't the best.  Though it's pretty damn entertaining.  But look.  Defense Curl gives you a +2 boost now, which is going to make you pretty much impossible to take down barring critical hits.  FUCK critical hits, am I right?  I'm right.  Anyway, I would normally just say Seismic Toss over Toxic for sure because Taunt, but you need a Gen III move tutor for that.  And that sounds harrrrrd.  So maybe you should just go with Toxic.  Lazy-ass.

Starmie @ Leftovers / Lum Berry
Calm
252 HP, 160 Def, 96 SpD
-Cosmic Power
-Minimize
-Scald
-Recover / Ice Beam

Yeahhhhh Starmie.  You thought it was just an offensive threat didn't you?  MAN, Starmie will stall.  Your.  Shit.  BACKWARDS.  Especially with Cosmic Power and Minimize stacked with Simple.  What are you even going to DO about that?  Scald makes this thing even bulkier.  Daaaaaayum son, you just got BURNED!  Recover or Ice Beam honestly is a choice that is up to whether or not you have Heal Pulse support, as Water on its own is not really enough coverage, but some recovery is also reallllly appreciated.

Clefable @ Leftovers / Lum Berry
Careful
252 HP, 200 Def, 56 SpD
-Cosmic Power
-Moonlight
-Minimize
-Return / Toxic

Dude.  I fuckin' love Clefable.  Do you love Clefable?  Because you should.  Yeah ok, technically Blissey can probably do this set better.  But I don't even care, because Clefable is adorable.  If there was a Clefable right here, I'd squeeze it so hard that its internal organs ruptured and it died in the hospital several hours later after unsuccessful surgery.  THAT'S HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE THIS THING.  I SHOW MY LOVE WITH DISTRUCTION.  DEAL WITH IT.

So yeah, Simple Beam has some pretty sweet legitimate uses in competitive doubles.  It also has some COMPLETE TOOLBAG options too in the form of Minimize abuse.  If you ever decide to be the total asswipe that YOU KNOW YOU SECRETLY ARE INSIDE, give these strategies a try.  And on a final note, FUCK YOUR CRITICAL HITS I'LL FUCK YOUR MOTHER.

WHY GEN I WAS STUPID (part one)

Every time a new generation comes out, all you hear from people for a while is how much the new designs suck, how stupid the names are, how much better things used to be, yadda yadda yadda.  And of course there are always the oldschool guys who claim that Generation I was the best.  Now I'm not saying I hate Gen I; far from it.  I grew up with these Pokemon and love them dearly.  But in all honesty, Generation I was THE stupidest generation of Pokemon.  We all just take it for granted because it was presented to us in childhood.

We can start off on the type effectiveness chart.  Everything wrong with it is Gen I's fault, except for the Dark and Steel types, which have relatively few issues.  Yeah, Dark doesn't make much sense as a type, but it makes a lot of sense as a balancing factor, so that makes things better.  The fact is, Gen I had complete freedom and could have balanced things in different ways, so anything that doesn't make sense here is their fault entirely.  Let's start out with the big one.  If I were to ask you, "What is Psychic's relationship to Poison?", you would probably say, "It's super-effective!"  BECAUSE YOU WERE BRAINWASHED AS A CHILD.  A normal person, one who wasn't raised on Pokemon, would probably instead answer, "What the fuck kind of question is that?"  There is really no good reason for Psychic to affect Poison super-effective.  Or for Fighting to be not very effective.  Ok, the Grass thing makes sense.  I can even understand Ghost, Ground and Rock resisting it.  But why poison should be weak to Ground and Psychic?  There's really no explanation to it except that it feels right.  Why?  Because it's what we grew up with.

While we're on the topic of Psychic, what the hell kind of elemental type is that?  Ok, we got grass, fire, water, electric, flying (air), ground, etc.  What other elements are there?  Uh... psychic?  Like psychic powers?  That's totally an element right?  AND FIGHTING.  BUFF GUYS ARE THEIR OWN ELEMENT.  LETS GO ALL OUT BUGS ARE AN ELEMENT TOO.  ONE OF THE FUNDAMENTAL STRUCTURES OF THE UNIVERSE IS BUGS.  I'm not saying I don't like these types, just that they are, when you actually stop to consider it, REALLY FUCKING STUPID.

One final complaint against the typing system I will always have is the relationship between Electric and Flying/Ground.  I'm sorry, but as a physics major I can't let this slide.  HURR DURR GROUND IS IMMUNE TO ELECTRIC BECAUSE WE GROUND THINGS TO PREVENT POWER SURGES/VOLTAGE IMBALANCES.  The Earth doesn't have any electrons in it and we all know that charge can't flow through minerals.  Dumbasses.  Why do you think lightning hits the tallest object?  IT WANTS TO MOVE CHARGE BETWEEN THE CLOUDS AND THE GROUND.  That's right, Electric should AUTO-HIT Ground.  It's harder to move through air (thanks Flying), so it hits the path of least resistance TO THE GROUND.  The way that this happens is that the large collection of charge pushes charges away in other areas.  Once those like charges are moved, we see a huge potential difference, which causes the charge to jump - lightning.  In the ground, the charges can be pushed very far away - they can move anywhere in the entire Earth.  In something flying through the air, the charge has nowhere to go because the air won't easily accept it.  Only a very small charge difference will be created, making it quite unlikely that a flying bird would be hit by lightning.  But RAIN will make it hard to fly.  Flying should be weak to water and at least resistant against Electric.

This went on a lot longer than I expected it to, so I will continue next time.  We haven't even moved into the meat of the matter yet - the actual Pokemon.

MURKROW

Let's get this blog off to a good start by talking about a Pokemon I think deserves some real attention this generation: Murkrow.  Ok yeah, people have noticed it, BUT HAVE THEY NOTICED IT ENOUGH?  I think the answer is most definitely 'NO THEY HAVE NOT.'  Let's take a look at this bird, shall we?

Murkrow - Dark/Flying
Ability: Prankster

HP:  60
Atk: 85
Def: 42
SpA: 85
SpD: 42
Spe: 91

Oh, those stats don't look good enough do they?  Well, what happens when we throw an Eviolite into the mix?  Assuming a 252 HP, 4 Def, 252 SpD spread with a positive nature, Murkrow's effective defensive bases go up to 60/72/87.  If you go with a more balanced 232 HP, 152 Def, 124 SpD with a special defense boosting nature (the defensive investments could be reversed if you wish, but Murkrow has better special resistances), they go to a more balanced 60/81/80.  Ok, so these defenses are only passable.  What makes Murkrow so great?  Check out that new Dreamworld ability: Prankster.  Murkrow now gets +1 to the priority of any non-attacking move.  When you consider its fabulous movepool, you can start to see the appeal of Murkrow.  Let's take a look at its uses.  Since the EVs should probably always be similar to one of the above spreads unless you have a specific purpose in mind and the item should always be Eviolite, I'm not going to bother posting the sets in proper format.

First off, Perish Trapping.  Murkrow gets access to Perish Song, Mean Look, Protect/Substitute, and Roost.  ALL of which get priority.  This means that you can throw up priority Substitutes and Roost away damage.  Remember, you only have to stall for two turns after the initial setup to take them out, since you can switch on the last turn.  That means it only takes 50% of your health to kill something, since as long as it doesn't have a multi-hit move, it won't get by those subs.  Murkrow is just a big ol' 'Fuck You' to any Pokemon it can set up properly on.  Unfortunately, even with its boosted defenses, Murkrow isn't taking too many hits, so this set may end up falling a little bit flat.  It's nice to see that Perish Trapping has potential again though.

The main problem I have with people here is that this is pretty much the only option I've seen mentioned for Murkrow.  Have you people even LOOKED at its support movepool?  Let's go on to its other amazing singles option, Haze.  Seriously.  Priority Haze.  Yeah I know, Haze is generally outclassed by pHazing moves like Whirlwind, but Murkrow can fuck shit up with this.  Usually, you can't afford to run a fast Haze because you need the bulk to take the hit, even unboosted.  That means that on fast DD setups, for example, you have to take the boosted hit and more unless you pHaze.  Not Murkrow.  Murkrow comes in there and removes stat-ups before your opponenet even knows what hit them.  DD Salamence?  Fuck you; Hazed.  You got Scarf Ditto'd?  Fuck you; Hazed.  SD Excadrill?  Fuck you; Hazed.  SD Scizor?  If you're bulky, I can Haze you even before you get a bullet punch off, bitch.  What's that?  You wanna try to set up again?  PRANKSTER TAUNT UP IN YOUR FACE BITCH.  WHAT NOW??  And of course, you get Roost for some healing and whatever other moves you think are pretty ok.

But MAN, Murkrow is WASTED in singles.  You thought these looked like fun sets to play?  Just wait until you look at the support options Murkrow gets for doubles.  Tailwind and Quash.  These.  Are.  AMAZING.  Yeah, I don't have to tell you how good priority Tailwind is; that's pretty well understood.  But MAAAAN, priorty Quash.  In case you weren't aware, when Quash hits a Pokemon, that Pokemon will go last in the turn if it hasn't already gone.  You know who gets this move who isn't slow as balls?  MURKROW.  ONLY MURKROW.  AND HE GETS PRIORITY.  That means that whatever Pokemon you want goes LAST automatically.  OH SHIT I"M PLAYING IN FIFTH GEN PBR WITH NO TIERS AND HE BROUGHT IN A SCARF KYOGRE WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO?  Quash that asshole.  Hit him hard before he Water Spouts.  Darkrai gonna outspeed you?  Smack him down hard as he goes LAST.  Jesus Murkrow, what CAN'T you do?

But what if you want to actually ATTACK with Murkrow?  It's all well and good to abuse these status moves, and priorty Taunt will keep you pretty safe there, but still.  WHAT IF.  Well, 85 Atk and SpA aren't TOO TOO shabby, so you can still do something there.  But Murkrow has a few options to hit with even if you have no faith in its attacking power, including Night Shade and Foul Play, which hits the opponent using their own attack stat (and is the subject of a cool gimmick set I will probably get to later).  And of course you should consider Sucker Punch because why not have priority on EVERYTHING.  And I didn't even mention the rest of Murkrow's support movepool, including Toxic, Double Team (because fuck evasion clause; I wanna be an asshole), Torment, Embargo, Thunder Wave, and Swagger.

So go out there and use Murkrow!  I'm not gonna tell you exactly what to do, but there are SOOOO many options with this beast of a bird that I'm sure you'll come up with something cool.